An Englishman, An Irishman and A Scotsman
by Otaku Kyari
Summary: A collection of shorts based off of the popular Jokes well popular enough in Ireland and the British isles anyway xP . Please enjoy and leave feedback, I'd love to know if it's any good
1. The Americans Bet

**The Americans bet -**

The world conference meetings in London have just ended and the nations are thrilled to finally be able to leave those long, tedious, boring and unproductive meetings. All of the nations went home as quickly as they could and England, finally able to leave the mess behind him, went straight to the pub.

England and he's brothers Ireland and Scotland were drinking in a bar as far from the conference building as they could go, not wanting to be anywhere near "that feckin' place!". "Jeezus those feckin' things are long aren't they!" Ireland said in a tone that suggested he was thrilled to be out of there.

"What'r ya talkin' about ya eejit? Ye left the meetin' outta boredom after abou' five minutes!" Scotland laughed, chugging back a beer and hitting he's brother playfully across the head. England chuckled and chugged back he's beer before saying "Yeah, at least scot lasted an hour, well done on that by the way". Scotland laughed again and bowed while saying mockingly "Thank you, thank you, I am feckin' amazin' aren't I!".

They all burst out laughing and went about talking about everything they could think about. The olympics was the main topic of discussion, concidering it was so near and the fact that it was always an interesting event for nations, like a competition to see who was the best.

After about five minutes of Ireland and the brithish Isles arguing about who was going to win which sporting events the front door of the bar burst open loudly, causing them and everyone else in the bar to jump a mile.

They looked over to see America, looking cheerily around the bar before walking inside and smiling he's usual idiotic smile. He looked around and upon seeing the three of them ran over excitedly and beamed "Yo! What're the odds of seeing you guys?".

England sighed as he looked up at the over excited American, rolling he's eyes and then asking in what could only be described as annoyance "What are you doing here? I thought you'd have gone back to America by now".

America, never one to know he was an unwanted guest, sat at the table with them and laughed "Haha, I missed my flight Iggy dude so the next one I could get isn't until like 4a.m.!".

England opened he's mouth to retort angrily but Scotland, knowing the Brit would undeniably complain about the, frankly ridiculous, nickname of "Iggy dude" cut across "Alrigh', but why a bar lad? Ye don' drink".

America wrapped an arm around the scotsmans shoulders before laughing that obnoxious laugh of he's and responded "It was the closest place to the airport that was going to stay open until four in the morning! Pft, I thought that'd be obvious!".

Scotland, not being one to take being talked down to like he were the idiot, was starting to stand up to punch the brat but England pulled him back down by the back of he's jacket. Scotland just glared at the American and then turned to face England and Ireland and talk to them, deciding if he ignored the git he's go away.

After a good few minutes of being ignored in their conversation America decided he wanted to do something fun and make some money so he said in a sing-song voice "Yo Iggy~". England growled in the back of he's throat and turned to the American "It's ENGLAND, not IGGY!, now what the bloody hell do you want?".

America laughed, always loving to wind the brit up, lets face it, it was really easy and too fun to not do. He looked at him with determined eyes and said with a grin "Yeah yeah, England, whatever, anyway, I'll bet you 50 pounds you can't down ten draughts in ten minutes".

To this England raised an eyebrow at the American, wondering where this came from. He then grinned and, without a word, put his money down on the table to signal he's agreeing with the bet. America beamed, thinking it was easy money for him but soon was staring open mouthed as England swallowed back the ten draughts without blinking.

America, still looking extremely shocked, grudgingly gave the Englishman he's money, frowning as he's lost cash was picked up by the brit and then, just to add insult to injury, a piece was instantly spent on more drink.

Well, America wanted to win the money back somehow and for some reason a lightbulb idea in he's head told him making a drinking bet with Scotland was somehow a better idea. He turned to Scotland and said sweetly "Alright Scottie!". Scotland was about to punch the American in the face, about to retort that he's not "a feckin' star trek character" but America continued before he could open he's mouth "how 'bout you then huh? 50 pounds for ten draughts in ten minutes?".

To this Scotland grinned, finally finding a way to get back at the American idiot for being a little stuck up bastard, grinning mischeviously and saying in a challenging tone "How 'bout ye make it interestin' lad? Let's say, 60 pounds for a dozen draughts in a dozen minutes?".

To this the American agreed happily, thinking he would surely win back he's money here, the challenge was far too difficult for the Scotsman, surely. England and Ireland were leaning casually on the table, hiding their laugher behind their hands, the American had no idea what he was getting into.

After laying their money on the table Scotland grinned and said devilishly "Heh, yer money's mine ya stuck up bast'ard!" and with that started drinking back the draughts and, like England before him, finished the drinks without so much as a blink.

Well now America was getting irritated, not only did Scotland just randomly insult him for no reason, (what can I say he's slow on the uptake) but he knew of this lot and their reputation for drinking but this just seemed ridiculous. Scotland took he's money with a devilish grin and America sighed, losing 110 pounds was not an expected outcome…

America thought for a minute and decided he wanted to break even here. Finally, in a last, desperate attempt to try and make the money back, America turned to the final brother, Ireland, and offered with determination "Alright Ireland, same bet, you up for it?".

Ireland just stood up and walked away, shocking the American and confusing he's brothers who watched him walk out the door with a mixture of confusion and concern.

"Where'r ya goin'?" Scotland called after Ireland, standing up slightly and then plopping back down in he's chair, rubbing he's head as he mused "What's his problem then?". England shrugged he's shoulders and responded while pointing casually at America "This twat must've insulted him too withou' knowin' it".

America stuttered flusteredly, trying to think of how he could have insulted the Irishman in anyway but after a short while Ireland came back and sat back down at their all looked at him in confusion and asked Ireland just casually asked America "Here, America, are ya still up fer that bet?".

America, confused but eager to win he's money back, nodded in agreement and so Ireland lays he's money on the table. He then orders all of he's drinks and says to the American before starting "This' easy lad, what were ya thinkin' challenging me" and with that, like he's brothers before him, he finished the lot, again without a blink.

America moaned in exasperation as Ireland collected up he's money, grinning as he put it all in he's pocket and cheerfully ordered another pint. America put he's head in he's hands and moaned quietly to himself "Why, oh why, do they spend it on more alcohol? Do they like rubbing it in?".

America sighed again and then looked up at the clock on the wall, noticing the time and realising he has to leave soon. He had one question though, something that confused him and so that needed to be asked. He looked to Ireland in confusion and asked "Where did you go just then?".

To this the irishman grinned and the three others at the table leaning in to listen as he explained with a chuckle "Truth be told, I've been drinking here already some today, and I wasn't sure I could put down another dozen for ya. So I went over to the pub next door to see if I could before I placed my bet".

To this America blinked in shock as England and Scotland burst out laughing at Americas face, thumping Ireland on the back and saying how brilliant he was.

After all of that America left and the three brothers spent the rest of the night laughing and buying much more drinks then usual, deciding they should take that idiot out some time, he was a quick and easy way to make some money from and their night out would be profitable rather then going home with empty pockets.

* * *

_The Joke:_

_"An American walks into a bar and sees an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman and he says to the Englishman, I'll bet you 50 euros you can't down ten draughts in ten minutes. So the Englishman agrees and puts down his money and swallows the ten without blinking. Well, the American wants his money back, so he offers the same bet to the Scotsman. The Scotsman says, Let's say 60 euros for a dozen draughts in a dozen minutes. The American agrees and the Scotsman puts down his money and swallows the dozen without blinking. So the American wants to cut his losses, so now he offers the same bet to the Irishman. The Irish just gets up and leaves. After a little time, he returns and asks if the offer is still good. The American is willing, so the Irishman puts down his money and swallows the draughts without blinking. Now the American is curious, so he asks, Where did you go just then?. The Irishman says, Truth be told, I've been drinking here already some today, and I wasn't sure I could put down another dozen. So I went over to the pub next door to see if I could before I placed my bet"_


	2. A Small Pie

**A Small Pie**

A night out in London town was not a cheap one at all, especially if you were three brothers intent on drinking as much as they could.

England, Ireland and Scotland were on their way back home from the pub, all singing and laughing at the top of their lungs, staggering around as they got shouted at to "shut the hell up!" it being 3 a.m in the morning.

"Tch, sher feck it yer all jus' jealous of me lovely singin' voice!" Ireland shouted at those who were glaring at them, the other two bursting out laughing and dragging him down the street.

"Tha's right laddie, you tell 'em!" Scotland chuckled, stumbling about halfway down the road and landing rather uncomfortably on the concrete below him "Agh me feckin' arse!" He cursed, England bursting out laughing while pulling him up.

"Jesus scot, ya say I'm a bad drunk, you can' even stand!" England chuckled, letting Scotland throw he's arm around his shoulders. The three walked down around the corner and spotted a shop that was still open.

"Ya know what?" Ireland said, staring at the shop intently before continuing "I'd kill fer a feckin' pie right about now". England nodded in agreement and Scotland responded "Mmm, shite now I want one, le's see if they've got 'em".

With that the three staggered into the shop and shortly found some delicious looking pies on the counter. "Tha's the one!" Ireland beamed, pointing at a small steak and kidney pie that shined under the light. The three stared at it and agreed.

"Well 'ave three of those" England said to the man behind the counter, who had been watching them wearily, three drunkards at such an hour was rarely a good thing. "That'll be six pounds sirs" the cashier said politely, just making sure they had no reason to start something.

The all dug into their pockets and pulled out all of their money, putting it on the counter and frowning. "I though' I 'ad more then tha'" England said, sounding confused as he tried to think of where the money had all gone. "I had more then I thought!" Scotland chuckled, holding up one pound and chucking it back down on the counter happily.

"I'm afraid you only have enough for one pie gents" The shopkeeper said, Ireland smiling at him and patting him on the shoulder "Ah, not to worry lad, we'll take the one for ya", and with that they took a pie and left the shop.

"T'is a small pie lads, who gets it?" England frowned, looking at the pie that was definitely too small to share amongst each other. Scotland looked at it and said "Me a course! I want it most!" to which Ireland argued "Ya do not ya bastard! It was my idea, tha' pie is mine!".

They spent the whole walk home with this long argument. When at home and after a long while more of arguing Scotland announced "Alrigh'! It's late now, how abou' we all go to sleep an' who ever has the most interestin' dream gets the pie, 'right?".

Well no one could argue with that so they all went to their rooms and fell into deep, intoxicated sleeps.

The next morning they all awoke rather early, all yearning for that lovely pie in the kitchen.

They entered the kitchen together and England beamed "Hah, that pie is mine!".

Scotland jumped up and asked angrily "Oh yeah? What did ya dream of that was so damn interestin'?".

England sat at the table and beamed "Well, I dreamed that I was ruling over the while world, haha nothings more interesting then global domination! Therefor, I deserve the pie".

Scotland burst out laughing at this and said "So what? Ya already practically ruled the whole world before, tha's old feckin news not an interesting dream!". England glared at him and said in irritation "Pft, oh yeah, because your dream was much mote interesting was it?".

"Aiye it was laddie!" Scotland laughed, standing up on he's chair and exclaiming "In my dream I ruled over the whole entire universe, aliens and all! Yer rulin' the world is nothin' to it! So, that pie belongs to me!".

England and Scotland now started to argue as loud and angrily as they could, shouting about whose dream was better and why. Ireland, who had been oddly quiet until now, was sitting across for them both, watching for a while with a mischievous grin before he stood up and said casually "You know, I had the most interesting dream of us all, one guaranteed to get the pie".

To this the other two finally stopped arguing and looked over at him in surprise, obviously forgetting he was there. England straightened himself up a bit before asking "Is that so, care to share then?", Scotland continuing "Aiye, please tell us a more interesting tale then ruling the universe, I dare ya!".

Ireland chuckled, walking away from the table and for some reason standing nearer to the door, looking like he planned to leave quickly, perhaps he wasn't as confident in he's story as he was acting.

He leaned on the doorframe and said "Ah, I remember it well, it was a delicious dream, one of the best I've ever had". Well of course the other two were now very interested and so asked in unison "Go on, what was your dream?".

Ireland grinned devilishly "Well, I dreamed that I was hungry, so, I got up and I ate the pie". Before they could register what he'd just said he laughed loudly and left the kitchen.

"Tha' wasn't very interes-" they both began but then froze, looking at each other with wide eyes and then running over to the fridge, seeing the plate that previously held the pie now just had a few crumbs.

Ireland was just out the front door when he heard the roar from inside he was expecting "IRELAND! YOUR A DEAD MAN!".

With that he ran down the road, laughing maniacally as he's brothers ran out of the house and chased him down the road, shouting curses at him as Ireland called back to them, mockingly telling them how delicious and moist the pie was just to rile them up some more.

* * *

The Joke:

"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were hungry one night and had money only for a small pie. Since it was too small to divide they decided to go to sleep and The pie would go to The person who had The most interesting dream.

When they woke up in The morning. The Englishman said, 'I had a very interesting dream. I dreamed I was ruler over The whole world. You can't get more interesting than that, so I deserve The pie.'

'Hold it,' said The Scotsman. 'I dreamed I was ruler over The whole universe, so that pie belongs to me.'

'I had The most interesting dream of all,' said The Irishman. 'I dreamed I was hungry, so I got up and ate The pie.'"


	3. The Helpful Porter

((Chapter 3! Awh yeah I'm on a roll! Haha, seriously thanks to anyone reading this and a huge thanks to "STEPHANOOOO" for her reviews! I said it before and I'll say it again, _You my friend_, are more awesome then Prussia! Anyway, Enjoy this much, _much_, shorter one~!))

* * *

**The Helpful Porter**

Heading to the train station severely drunk and completely out of it perhaps wasn't a great idea but they had to get there and so England, Ireland and Scotland were heading there, laughing at nothing and shouting about everything.

They got to the station and when they got to the platform they noticed the train was about to leave and ran towards it as quickly as they could, helping to hold each other up as standing properly was a difficult task.

A porter, noticing the three heading for the train, decided to be helpful and help them onto the train. He went over to then and thought with a sigh 'God you all stink of rum…' before smiling kindly and saying "Here, let me help you out lads".

So he went to help England and Scotland first, considering those two were definitely much worse off then the Irishman. He helped them to a bench on the train and went back out to help the Irishman.

When he stepped out of the train it whistled loudly and the doors closed behind him. He felt bad about not getting them all on and turned to the Ireland and said apologetically "I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have time to get you on as well, but there's another train leaving in an hour. You can get that one.".

"Sound enough" Ireland said, looking around and then, with an obvious realisation of some sort hitting him, he laughed loudly as he continued "But I don't think the two boys'll be pleased. They only came to see me off".

The porter turned quickly to look at the train that was speeding off and swore under he's breath, then he looked back at the laughing Irishman with wide eyes before finally bursting out laughing with him, apologising again to the cheery Irishman who just patted him in the back and told him he was "a feckin' legend".

* * *

The Joke:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at the train station as drunk as skunks, just as the train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get the Englishman and the Scotsman on board in the nick of time. Then he turned to the Irishman and said:

"I'm sorry, sir. I didn't have time to get you on as well, but there's another train leaving in an hour. You can get that one." "Sound enough," said the Irishman, "but I don't think the two boys'll be pleased. They only came to see me off."


	4. Bribe You a Pint

**Bribe you a Pint**

England, Ireland and Scotland were all sitting in a pub, complaining about another meeting that had occurred earlier today, one they all left soaking wet and covered in glitter… don't ask… Prussia was involved (He likes German sparkle parties!).

Anyway, while sitting at their usual table they noticed a rather posh looking fellow walking towards them, a self important look on he's face and an all knowing smile on he's lips.

"Good evening gentleman" he smiled when he got to their table, nodding in greeting to them all before continuing "May I have a moment of your time?".

Scotland eyed the stranger suspiciously, noticing the 'vote for' badge attached to he's suit jacket and, now knowing he's agenda, glared at the man, not liking the fact he's drink was being interrupted for politics.

Ireland and England noticed the badge as well but, seeing no harm in letting him talk for a little while, gestured for him to take a seat opposite them.

After thanking them for allowing him their time he took a seat and then got straight to he's point. "No doubt, gentleman, you know why I am here" He began, the three nodding in response so he continued.

"Here's my proposition to you gentleman, I'll buy a pint of stout for whichever of the three of you gives me the best reason for voting for the government" He smiled, knowing the way to reach these particular three was through alcohol.

He was right of course and the promise of a free pint was too good a deal to ignore. England was the first to come up with he's answer, one that sounded loyal and true, sure to win him the drink, "I'll vote for your government, because it is my democratic duty to do so".

'Shite, that was a good one…' Scotland thought to himself, knowing he'd have to beat that somehow and so came up with an answer to show loyalty, "I'll vote fer yer government, because I hate the bastards in the opposition".

England and Scotland glared at each other, knowing both answers were good, both probably deserving the mans drink. The politician nodded, clearly impressed with both answers and said "Very good answers gentleman, very good" he then turned to Ireland and asked "and what is your reason?".

Ireland grinned his usual grin, he was Irish so he couldn't vote for this stuck up prick anyway but still decided to answer with answer filled with honesty and truth "Well, I'll vote fer your government, because I want that pint".

The politician blinked in surprise and then after a moment smiled and then laughed "What an honest chap you are!" and with that he bought Ireland a drink, bowing and walking away to do the same think to another table not to far from them.

"Why do you have all the luck!" England groaned, Scotland moaning in agreement as Ireland chugged back he's stout and then grinned "The luck of the Irish mate, It's no myth!".

* * *

The Joke:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub one night when a politician came in looking for votes.

'I'll buy a pint of stout,' said The politician 'for whichever of The three of you gives me The best reason for voting for The government.'

I'll vote for your government,' said The Englishman, 'because it is my democratic duty to do so.'

I'll vote for your government,' said The Scotsman, 'because I hate The opposition.'

I'll vote for your government,' said The Irishman, 'because I want that pint.'


	5. Sad Stories

((Thanks to everyone who is reading these, yer makin' my day ^_^. To "AllegraIvanova", "TheOwlAndTheOcean" and "PunkIggy" who are following this story, thank you from the bottom of my heart, yer sweeter then spains ass xP, and thank you for your reviews "AllegraIvanova" and "STEPHANOOOO", Anyway, Please enjoy and I hope to update again real soon ;D))

* * *

**Sad Stories**

England, Ireland and Scotland were walking away from their latest meeting, one a few hours long in Hong Kong, and were heading to their hotel, The Cullinan, south tower, a hotel that is one of the tallest in the world, a good 68 stories tall.

"Jesus she's a big 'un" Scotland said in amazement, just now seeing the building for the first time. Ireland whistled in amazement and said "Woah, I hope we aren't too high up on tha'", England nodded in agreement and the three of them walked inside.

The outside was spectacular indeed but the inside was simply amazing, with it's tall ceilings and furnishings of gold and expensive looking ornate items, it was magnificent.

They went up to the reception and England smiled "G'evening old chap, we have a reservation here, under Kirkland". The receptionist spent a few seconds on the computer and then smiled "Ah yes Kirkland, you have a room on the 62nd floor, room 1238". I knew we'd be high up in damn buildin'" Scotland mumbled to Ireland who rolled he's eyes and nodded.

The boys all thanked him and went over to the elevators where there was a small crowd all complaining and mumbling. "Wha's goin' on?" Scotland asked, standing behind the large ring of people. A man in the front was particularly loud and shouted "Diàntī bèi pòhuài, nǐ shì shénme yìsi!". Upon hearing this England groaned in irritation and he's brothers looked at him in confusion, he then sighed and looked at the stairwell "They say the elevators are broken… we'll have to climb the stairs…".

"What?" Ireland and Scotland chorused, shock obvious between their faces and their tones of voice.

England sighed, picked up he's bags and walked towards the stairs, calling behind him "Come on, it's a long walk up them stairs, the sooner we start the sooner we'll get up there". The other two groaned loudly but, really unable to argue, they picked up their bags and walked over to England.

They stood at the bottom step and looked up, gulping at the large stairwell that seemed to go on for eternity. "It's now or never eh?" Scotland said, sounding unconvinced as Ireland sighed "Jesus this is gonna take forever…". England looked up and said, we could tell sad stories? They usually pass the time, it might not be as bad that way".

They nodded in agreement and England started, telling stories, stories of the revolutions he'd been through, to the nations he's lost, the deaths of people he cared for, the falling of his empire.

He told he's stories for 30 floors and then Scotland said "Alright lad, that worked, I guess it's my turn. With that he told he's stories, the stories of hardships and troubles, of he's breaking free from England and the horrible rift it caused between them. This went in for another 30 floors.

"Your breaking my heart" England chuckled mockingly, pretending to wipe away a tear as Scotland laughed and punched him in the arm and said "Shut it ya wee dober, yer lucky I don' mind ya these days".

The two or them laughed together and then Ireland, a few steps in front of them stopped in he's tracks, a glimps tears in he's eyes as said "I've got the saddest story of them all lads…". Scotland saw him looking depressed and said "It looks it laddie, alright there's two more floors 'till we're there, what's yer sad story?".

Ireland put down he's bags on the step he stood on and sat down on it, running he's hand through he's hair in depression as he said "... I've forgotten to collect the key to our room from the desk on the ground floor".

The two froze and dropped their bags with a crash, silent and still until suddenly in unison… "FUCK!".

* * *

The Joke:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were staying in The world's tallest hotel, some sixty storeys high. However, The lifts had completely broken down so they had to climb The stairs.

'Let's tell sad stories,' said The Englishman, 'and that will make climbing The stairs seem shorter.' So The Englishman told sad stories for thirty flights of stairs and then The Scotsman told sad stories for thirty more nights. Just as they neared The top, The Irishman said 'I've got The saddest story of all to tell. I've forgotten to collect The key to our room from The desk on The ground floor.'


	6. Cutting Down Trees

((Thank you, thank you, thank you! to all you wonderful people reading this fic! A huge thank you to "TheSingingBard" for her review and and to "97chaoscat", "Spainbow Dash" and "TheSingingBard" for joining the followers of this story~ Your more fabulous then Poland~ (and he's pony! xP)

* * *

**Cutting down trees**

In these times, money can be very tight, and so, our three heroes of these tales, England, Ireland and Scotland, were on there way to compete for a job as a lumberjack.

They all arrived at the building together and the foreman greeted them with a hearty smile, thumping them on the backs and saying with a laugh "Welcome lads! Yer here for the job as lumberjacks yes?".

"Yes sir, I'm looking forward to working with you" England smiled, bowing he's head slightly as Scotland beside him grinned and said "I'm lookin' forward to workin' with ye as well sir, this'd be one of me dream jobs". Ireland beside him beamed and thumped him back on the back and asked cheerily "Alright we all wanna work with ya! Now how do we get the job?".

"Well yer all enthusiastic! This'll be a good day! 'tis a shame I can't hire you all" the foreman beamed, looking foreword to seeing which one of these three he would end up working with.

He then cleared he's throat and announced "Alright lads, listen up!. Your challenge from me is to take one of these here axes and spend the day cutting down trees, the most effective worker will be the one to get the job!". With that he handed them all axes and beamed "Alright lads, good luck to ye".

So they all spent their day in the vast forest, cutting down as many trees as they could handle, all in the hopes that he would get the job, working in this amazing career (don't worry, for every tree they gut they'll plant another xP).

At the end of the day the three of them lined up in the porters office. The porter came in and beamed "Alright lads, ye all did amazing jobs, ye did a lot more work in one day then a lot of my men here already but sadly, as ye know, I can only take one of you on".

They all nodded and then the foreman stood in from of England and said "I'm told by my men that you cut 100 trees, that is very impressive lad, you should be proud!". "Thank you sir" England smiled, convinced, with such a high number, that the job was as good as his.

He then stood before Scotland and said with a huge grin "Yer the bigger of the lads, you got muscles to spare and impressed my men by cutting down 200 trees in the forest! Well done to you lad!". Scotland grinned cheekily over at England, who face palmed, before turning back to the foreman and smiling confidently announced "Thank you, I tried".

The foreman smiled at him and then walked over to Ireland who, despite the other twos high tree cutting amounts, looked quiet confident. "You lad! You've done something that I can honestly say… both impressed and terrified my men...".

"W-What did he do?" England asked nervously, usually, as the responsible one, having to apologise for the insane things he's brothers pulled when drunk or bored. Scotland, used too Ireland pulling some crazy shit, said quickly "What ever he did we can fix it".

To this the foreman burst out laughing and slapped England and Scotland playfully on the backs before exclaiming "Fix it! Lads he's the most amazing thing we've ever seen!". They both looked confused an the foreman stood in front of Ireland again and said in awe "You cut down 500 hundred trees! You've got the job!".

England and Scotland were shocked but couldn't have any hard feeling about it, he'd clearly done a better job then them and deserved it.

"Tell me lad, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?" The foreman asked in awe, taking Ireland to the side and wrapping an arm around he's shoulders. Ireland looked him in the eyes and said dead seriously "In the Sahara Dessert sir".

Now, to say the foreman was confused would be a major understatement. He stood back a bit and chuckled to hide he's confusion "But there aren't any trees in the Sahara Desert".

"Not now there aren't" Ireland said with a wink, walking off as the foreman laughed, he's brothers not sure wether to join in laughing or consider that could actually be true considering how long he's been around… ((Oh that Ireland xP))

* * *

The Joke:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were applying for a job as a lumberjack so The foreman gave each of them an axe and told then to cut down trees for a day. The Englishman cut down a hundred trees while The Scotsman cut down two hundred, but The Irishman cut down five hundred trees so he got The job.

That's terrific,' said The foreman. Tell me, where did you learn to cut down trees like that?'

'In The Sahara Desert,' said The Irishman.

'But there aren't any trees in The Sahara Desert,' said The foreman.

'Not now there aren't,' said The Irishman.


	7. A Spooky Voice

((I'm back! After over a month of not writing I'm back in form and eager to get this started up again ;P. Thanks so much for the people following, the reviews and the amazing response I'm getting from these stories, they make it that much more rewarding to write~. Please enjoy my latest (I apologies, slightly gross), chapter and I hope to bring you more real soon ^_^))

**The Spooky Voice**

"It doesn't look all that bad" England said, looking up at the large, very old and slightly broken house before him. "Aiye, t'is kinda charmin' once ye get past the dilapidation…" Scotland agreed, noting the cracks along the building and the holes in the roof. "Are we sure t'is even haunted?" Ireland asked, noting yes it was kind of creepy but also it was pretty quiet and too run down to live in.

You see, they had entered a completion last week, basically they won, and they'd get to go on an all expenses paid vacation if they just spend a night in a haunted house. Arrive her though, the place didn't look particularly haunted, just broken down.

They walked inside, taking in the dusty and damp hallway, cobwebs hanging all over and dust gathering on anything it could. England coughed due to the amount of dust and said in a sarcastic tone "Oh quick, run, it's the haunted dust bunnies". Scotland, being a bit taller than the other two, walked into a low hanging cobweb and groaned "Aiye, and the cobweb demons are all around here, t'is so scary". Ireland chuckled, tripping over some broken floorboards and laughing "Any money people fell over the broken shit and assumed it was ghosts or something". They all chuckled and found their rooms to stay in for the night.

The rest of their day went by relatively normally, they argued, fought, laughed, drank, cooked (they all thought their cooking was fantastic, despite the fact that nobody else did), drank some more and explored the large house. They discovered it had six bedrooms, four bathrooms (only one working, a large, very old fashioned kitchen, large dining room and a few other recreational rooms.

That night, they went to bed fairly early, thinking the sooner they went to sleep, the sooner morning would come and they'd have officially won that holiday. By midnight the house was still and the boys were all sleeping soundly, dreaming of the vacation to be.

At around 1a.m England sat up, thinking he'd heard a noise. He listened carefully, hearing nothing but Scotland's snoring down the hall. He sighed, sitting back in his pillow and taking a relaxing breath. Suddenly a echoing voice said quietly and sinisterly "When I get ya, I'm gonna eat ya". Not recognizing it as one of his brothers voices he sat up again, throwing on his clothes and deciding to leaving, remembering only one had to stay for them to win. With that, he was out the door and away from the house.

An hour later, at 2a.m., Scotland woke to the same thing, thinking he'd heard a noise and realizing that all was silent in the house. He got out of bed to get a glass of water and was about to leave the room when he heard the same spooky voice, "When I get ya, I'm gonna eat ya". He looked around the room quickly, knowing it wasn't his brothers playing a trick, and then picked up his stuff, deciding he could leave, as long as someone stayed they'd win. With that, it was another one who left, shaken, from the 'haunted house'.

Another hour passed and Ireland was sleeping in his bed, stirring slightly upon hearing a noise from somewhere in the house. He sat up groggily; looking around the room, wondering what it was that had woken him. Suddenly, he too heard that creepy voice, echoing quietly through the house, "When I get you, I'm gonna eat you". He looked around again, knowing that voice was not one of his brothers, but quite unlike the other two though, he decided to go and investigate.

He got out of bed, grabbing a flashlight he'd bought with him, and left his room, listening for anything strange around the house. First thing he noticed was the lack of snoring from Scotlands room and, upon investigation, was shocked to find that he, and anything he'd brought with him, was gone. He went to see if he was with England and was surprised to see his other brother was gone as well. Ireland sighed, realizing he was the only one that hadn't left.

The voice echoed the same phrase, "When I get ya, I'm gonna eat ya", and Ireland turned around quickly, realizing they must have heard this voice as well, apparently it crept them out pretty bad. He decided he had to know where it was coming from so head off, thinking it came from a floor above him. He crept quietly up the stairs, trying not to be heard by whoever was up here.

He went to the one door in the landing that wasn't open and slowly opened it, know that whoever was here was inside this room. He opened it up and inside found a man, sitting on a bed and picking his nose thoroughly while saying to himself "When I get ya, I'm gonna eat ya". Ireland looked repulsed and groaned "Ugh, how did ya get in here ya sick fuck?". The man jumped, clearly frightened by the presence of an actual person in this creepy house, and ran out past him, making a loud noise running down the stairs and out the door, Ireland watching his run off through the window upstairs.

He shook his head exasperatedly, really, people always found new ways of surprising him. He sighed, going back downstairs to bed and falling back to sleep rather easily and quickly, 3a.m not being a time he liked to be awake (and sober) at.

The next morning his brothers came back to collect him and he laughed as they approached the steps "Typical, ye act all big and strong and then ye get scared by some freak upstairs with a disgustin' habit!". They both looked at him in confusion and he laughed again, deciding it was funnier for now if they didn't understand, he could hold this one over them for a long time.

* * *

The Joke:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were spending The night in a haunted house.  
At about 1 am The Englishman woke up and heard a spooky voice saying, *when I get ya, I'm going to eat ya', so he ran in terror from The house.  
At about 2 am The Scotsman woke up and heard a spooky voice saying "When I get ya, I'm going to eat ya', so he too ran in terror from The house.  
At about 3 am The Irishman woke up and heard The same spooky voice saying, 'when I get ya, I'm going to eat ya', so he decided to investigate. He crept upstairs, opened a door, and there was a fellow picking his nose and saying, "when I get ya, I'm going to eat ya'.


	8. Walking on Water

((Hello again! Told you I'd be back real soon with another story ;P

Thanks so much for the reviews from my friend 'STEPHANOOOO' *brofist*, the wonderful 'KeepTheCreature' and the amazing 'SakuraMoriChan' who so wonderfully sent in the joke I'm using today, your sweeter then Italy~. Enjoy!))

**Walking on Water** **-**

"How did this even happen?" England sighed, leaning over the edge in a bored pose. "I'm gonna guess t'was yer fault" Scotland sighed, not caring about the glare he was receiving from the Briton right now. "No use blamin' each other" Ireland sighed, looking around at the blue around him with a slight frown.  
You see, what started off as a simple fishing trip out on the ocean became a disaster after their boat engine gave up. They were now stranded, no signal to make a call and no supplies with them as this was just meant to be a small fishing trip.  
They'd been floating around on the ocean for over two hours now and were all hungry and thirsty, hoping to find land sometime soon. After another half an hour or so a small island came in view.  
"Finally land!" Scotland beamed, standing up on the boat and looking at the small island not far from them. The other two jumped up as well and studied the distance to the island. England spotted something and smiled "I'll go over there and get us some food". "Aiye you do that laddie" Scotland grinned, glad he wasn't the one who was going to get wet.  
So England stood on the side of the boat, looking down at the water carefully before jumping down. He then walked, no you didn't read that wrong, walked across the water and onto the island.  
"H-How did he..!" Scotland exclaimed, watching as his youngest brother walked calmly across the surface of the water and onto the island across the way. Ireland shrugged in a bored manner and sat back on the boat, hands behind his head in a relaxing pose.  
After about ten minutes England walked back to the boat, climbed in and lay down a pile of fruit and berries he'd gathered.  
Scotland still looked shocked and was about to ask how on earth he'd simply walked over to the island but Ireland cut across him with "Jeasus I'm thirsty, I think I see coconuts over on the island, we can have coconut milk I suppose". "Better then seawater" England agreed, waving him off as Ireland jumped off the boat and also walked along the surface of the water.  
Scotland watched him go, walking a lot more easily then England, along the surface of the ocean and then walk onto the island and climb some trees to get coconuts.  
After a few minutes he walked back and put down four coconuts, really all he could carry easily back to the boat.  
Scotland looked down at the water himself, trying to figure out how on earth they'd both done that. Well, not one to be outdone, Scotland said casually "I'll go and see if there's any boar or anything we could eat, never know could be stuck on the boat a while". The other two nodded, calmly cutting open the coconuts with fishing knives.  
Scotland stood up on the side of the boat, looking down at the water carefully, seeing nothing out of the ordinary, just normal sea water.  
He jumped in and started off for the island like the other two before him, but unlike them he just disappeared from sight under the water.  
England leant on the edge of the boat, head resting on his hand as he groaned "What an idiot". Ireland nodded in agreement and England sighed "Do you think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?".  
There was a small silence and England looked over to Ireland who seemed to be deep in thought. Ireland then slowly turned his head to the left towards England and asked slowly in confusion "... What stepping stones?".

* * *

The Joke:  
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were stranded in a little boat together in the middle of the ocean. A little island appeared a short distance away so the Englishman walked across the water and returned with some food to eat. Then the Irishman walked across the water and returned with some coconut milk to drink. Not to be outdone, the Scotsman left the boat, started out for the island but disappeared from sight under the water.  
'Do you think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?' asked the Englishman.  
'What stepping stones?' asked the Irishman.


End file.
